Today is the first day of an adventure. Sometimes in life you have to take a look at yourself and delve deep inside to discover what you really want from it.
I have never been very comfortable in my own skin, there was always a little voice in the crevices at the back of my mind. A tiny notion, planted when I hit puberty, has started to blossom inside of me since I began recovery from a severe broken leg at the end of 2013. The seed had been kept in hibernation by a variety of sources, mostly consisting of a love of playing football and the fact I was thrusted into the role of provider and caregiver for my younger brother.
Since the injury has rendered me unable to play football again and my younger brother is not so young anymore, my time of late has been spent in contemplation on my future and where I want to get to. I harked back to my past for inspiration and it was at this time the seed germinated and began to crawl and creep into my subconscious.
I have cross-dressed on and off for many years, never really going full on with makeup or wigs etc, but wearing skirts and lingerie is a real thrill for me. Having so much time on my hands I realised that going to the odd fetish night or dressing as a female in my bedroom was not quite enough anymore. It was at this point it hit me that in the back of mind the idea of being an actual woman was very appealing and that maybe I had been hiding from my true self. Her voice is echoing louder and louder around my head since the day I realised I could not devote my time to playing football any longer. Not that playing football was a waste of my life or time, it has provided me with fantastic memories and many friends. It is very evident, however, that it was a blockade that was keeping me from true self. I have used it as a barrier to get away from the inevitable.
I wonder if some spiritual force has caused my injury so that I would hide away no longer. This force has enlightened my life and where there was once darkness and fog, there is now clear skies and a beaming sun. The tunnel has opened up and I breathe clean air for the first time in my adult life.
Since breaking my leg I have been cross-dressing more and more, and I am speeding towards the thought that I am a trans-girl waiting to explode into the world and the journey to fulfil this desire has begun.
The first step is research, research, research. I have been reading so much material recently that I feel my head is going to fall off, but it has served a purpose and I want to explore these feelings further. I have an appointment booked with my GP and am going to ask for a referral to a specialist team in London who assess if I am ‘suffering’ with gender dysphoria.
This journey will be long, there is no getting away from the length of time it will take. I will use this blog as a diary, logging the ups, downs and challenges I will face in the next few years. As one flower dies another must bloom.