Whether I’m wearing lots of makeup or no makeup, I’m always the same person inside. Lady Gaga
A fun week has led to me to the conclusion that although my confidence is sky high, it only gets you so far. I was lucky enough to be involved in a photo-shoot with a pro photographer and one thing I learnt is that being a model is not easy. You think it is all pretty clothes and makeup but it is tiring and the mental energy needed to keep looking fresh and attractive is really hard as your reserve drains to a splutter.
Now although it took a lot out of me the experience was one I shall never forget. I got to sit on a throne like a queen and I got married, as well as being a prisoner in a jail next to Father Christmas. All very surreal but between the costume changes and struggling getting in and out of Sexy Miss Christmas outfits one thing became very clear to me. I am not a fan of the notion of ‘passing’ in the Trans community. I get it to a degree and completely understand its relevance, importance and need. It is just that I am me, I really do not care if some stranger passes me on the street and questions how feminine I look. It is nice when someone does not, but by and by, I do not care. I am doing this whole thing for me and only me.
During the photo-shoot I was lucky enough to have my makeup applied by a pro makeup artist. If ignorance is bliss then enlightenment is humbling. I thought I was doing fine with the makeup, but I got a telling off for not applying mascara all the way to my roots, a shake of the head for not shaping my upper lip with pencil and berated for failing to add concealer to my nose to shape it in a lovely fashion! Seeing it all come together on the giant, brightly lit mirror was a true awakening. I was almost in tears towards the end when I saw how beautiful this kind lady had made me. I felt like a princess and the advice about colour and texture was mind blowing yet so easy and simple. I have another person to thank for getting me started, she knows who she is, but now my eyes are truly open! Literally, my eyes were brighter then the North Star. I had to hug her and tell her how much she has helped. The poor girl did not understand but it did not matter.
At first it felt like a stranger was staring back at me, but one who was very familiar in anther world of daydreams and fantasies. I smiled so much and took a deep breath at how much more liberated and free from my shackles I was once again. I felt elegant yet powerful, beautiful and complete. It just so happened that this was also the makeup for the wedding scene and seeing myself as a bride stirred something inside that I had never felt and still struggling to come to terms with. I cannot put my finger on it but my head felt dizzy and my arms shivered. It was positive though but has not swayed my opinion on the possibility I will never be married.
I now have lots of practice to do, and a small fortune to spend but it will all be worth it. I have seen that should I be able to take this all the way I will ‘pass’ with flying colours, this has given me another boost to my ever raging ego of femme fatale who is bursting to come to life. One step at a time, but the steps are turning to strides and only time will tell if I can be truly happy.