I’m not trying to be sexy. It’s just my way of expressing myself when I move around.
Call me arrogant, call me narcissistic, call me ignorant. I do not care. I am sexy!
My entire life the idea let alone the actual feeling of being sexy was a myth, a legend, something the cool kids had. It was a mile away in the distance, it was not a reality but a mirage on the horizon. I saw sexy people all the time, they did not see me, I was the guy with the boring clothes, the boring hair, the look of daydream across his face. I had friends that always got the girls, I had friends that always seemed to have a girlfriend of some sort, I had friends that were geeks and nerds who seemed to always have someone interested. But not me. Whether I or everyone else knew it, I was not complete, I was not noticed, I blended into the background like brown on grey.
I did have girlfriends, I was not lonely in any real sense. It was just that I did not feel sexy and my love life suffered constantly. Girlfriends would always say to me things along the lines of ‘there is something not quite right with you’ or ‘I cannot work you out.’
Of course the answer to this is very obvious but whilst growing up and in my early twenties it was a mystery to me and everyone else I knew. My brothers always have girlfriends and one is now happily married. I have never had a meaningful sexual relationship in my life, always cold and empty. I have never felt love and never had anyone love me.
Moving forward to today, where I feel free, alive and complete, I have been having a very odd and new sensation when I look in the mirror. People look at me differently and I could not work it out, they smile at me and I have noticed a glint in their eye at times. I was staring at myself after applying one of my best faces ever and was noticing how much better my makeup is from a few months ago. I also had some lovely new clothes, a dress and shoes that I felt looked great on me. I continued to stare and this new sensation that I had been feeling was rushing through me like a steam train. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Upon reopening and continue to stare at myself it dawned on me. For the first time in my life I felt and looked sexy!
This along with the beaming smile that has adorned my face for the last few months has given me something I never thought I would ever get. One thing I have noticed is that for others to see you as sexy, you need to feel and be sexy yourself. I totally understand this now. It can go deeper as well I am noticing. To love others you need to first love yourself, I will not spill the beans here but maybe I am feeling love for someone for the first time in life! And this has only happened because I can love myself for the first time.
I started to think that I have missed out on so much over the years but I will need to stop dwelling and continue to grow while making up for lost time. My new love interest has not shown any signs of reciprocating but I am not worried if it goes nowhere because I have discovered that a happy relationship is possible, even if not with my first love. The very notion that there is hope for me not to grow old and lonely, whether as a man or a woman has filled me with joy. I am betting on the stronger and more confident I become as a woman the stronger my relationships will be and the happier and more connected with someone I will be able to become.