There is no decision that we can make that doesn’t come with some sort of balance or sacrifice.
When I was a very confused man there were many defence mechanisms that were put in place to disguise my inadequacies and failings. One of the main mechanisms was my constant ramblings about politics, society and religion to name but a few. I would drone on about my opinions and many, many people were put off by this. It made me an outcast, it allowed me to keep my distance from people around me. I was angry and did not know why. Now I realise that I was angry at myself for not being able to understand why I was so different, why I failed as a man and why I would get funny looks for my way of life.
I would talk at people, make sure they knew my opinion and actually argue my case until I was blue in the face. Looking back, this whole façade was so ridiculous, I am almost embarrassed to think this was my life before my revelation. Once I had understood myself and accepted that I was confused but now found so many bad traits have seemed to vanish. Since getting on the road of transition I have had no arguments with anyone, no raging soapbox dramas and feel calmer, relaxed, at peace. This is a wonderful turn around but I kept thinking, deep down, that an important part of my personality was wavering. Was I now too accepting of others? Had I lost my strong opinions about the world? Was I changing inside? Is my new calm demeanour my true self?
After some soul searching and light social experimenting it became clear that combining my new relaxing state with important ideals and opinions is possible. My personality had not changed it had simply found its middle ground. Before I would use my thoughts on subjects as a blockade to stop people getting close, now I use them as a drawbridge to allow people in. Even when in man mode, at work for example, I have a new found desire to debate rather than talk at people and force my ideas upon them. I smile and do not grimace or get annoyed, I agree to disagree and have stopped pushing the argument round and round. It is like I am a real person, not some pepped up caricature who loves to argue and has extreme views. My views are the same but it is my delivery that has altered and balanced itself to function in society.
I find it incredible that my social functionality has improved in such a short space of time. It is a wonderful feeling to have people smile and accept me when before I was bound to the outer edges of most social circles I found myself in. This wonderful journey is really bringing the best out of me, parts of my inner self that have been hidden in the shadows are now beaming out. I stand tall and attract attention, confidence is shining and although things are becoming more real on the medical side of things, positivity rules my agenda.