“So I find words I never thought to speak, in streets I never thought I should revisit, when I left my body on a distant shore.”
When the future presents itself and you have choices to make it is easy to look back on your life experiences and use them to decide the next action. This approach is fine for the most part but when applied to the transgender transition it is basically impossible to have any experience as you are deciding on changing your entire outer self. You are going in blind to waters unknown and you are trusting the inner voice that the journey is one to take.
I am a planner, methodical in my approach to life and always like to have a path laid out to follow. One thing I am noticing recently is my inability to see what is coming next. I have no directions, no map or any instructions to follow. This is not only scary but leaves questions that remain unanswered until I turn the next corner. Sometimes the corner I expect to find does not appear and the endless road continues for another undesignated amount of time. Even the road itself is mudded and unclear, filled with forks and avenues that all hold the same amount of fog as you peer down their winding ways.
It is not all gloomy, however, the discoveries along the way are sometimes exciting and fill the soul with much needed fuel to continue. I was looing back on some old pictures I took to test my makeup skills and compared them to ones I took more recently. The skills have improved and I am becoming more complex in my understanding of shade, texture, colour and blending. It is exciting to look back at my experiences and feel a narrow country lane is slowly expanding to a motorway, even if the fog still exists. It is these little victories that keep the mind focused and my resolve is still strong. Where I peered into darkness I now see glimmers of light here and there in the din. The road is long but my footwear is hardwearing and my legs willing. How long I have to travel is anyone’s guess but strength and fulfilment shall rule the day.
I have been so happy to see the progression of my fellow bloggers and it fills me with an unknown spirit that I am on the right path. I know that for many years I lived in confusion, hate and fear. That has slowly been washed away by the fog in front of me and it leaves a clean, innocent and happy soul who has come on leaps and bounds. I feel confident enough to show myself here now, it is more about fleeing from the pain and into the light.
I still have much to learn that much I know but exploring an uncharted road is full of discoveries and excitement that you can not plan, work out or guess. Though scary at times and painful as well, the road is unknown but lift your head high. Push into the fog, best foot forward and eventually the sun will clear your eyes from the confusion.