“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
I have not posted a blog for a while for two reasons. Firstly I am literally in a ‘waiting’ phase. My assessment is coming up as is the first round of blood work. It is not the medical side that worries me though, it is the social side. Which leads me to my second reason, explaining all to Mother.
I have wanted to explain to my mum the whole gender bending, cross dressing, confused ‘it’ I have been since I care to remember. However, my mother lives quite far away from me and it was Christmas the last time we had spoken face to face. Obviously this is not the best time to describe a son is really a daughter. After arriving to her house I pulled my memory box and heart from my body and threw them both against the wall. Splattered like a rainbow for her to dissect and contemplate this harsh reality. The usual questions about sexuality quickly arose but my mother is incredibly intelligent and quickly realised the difference. Although this was a good opportunity to explain I am pansexual so I took it. She made a reassuring joke about how I always help her understand the modern world and she was interested in what pansexualism meant to me. I explained I could possibly fancy anyone (except really hairy men!) and that gender means little to me as it was always the affinity I could share with a person that made them attractive.
After the basics were explained and she took five minutes to allow this most shocking of news to sink in we headed into the actual journey details, hormones, possible surgery, name changes etc etc.
Crying and hugging ensued as is mandatory in these circumstances and I was keen to explain that I had spent a lifetime being unhappy and now I was free from my prison. I was very clear to her that I see my choice to transition as a celebration and not something to be mourned. She is very worried that I will be gone from her life and she may not bond with this new person. As reassuring as I was trying to explain that my physical appearance changes not ‘me’, the person, I am not sure I believed it myself. I was a very angry man, distant, dismissive and obviously severely depressed. I find that now quite a lot of these factors of my personality have waned significantly, but I side track.
I had never gone into this much detail with anyone about this and a rollercoaster of emotion and ancient memories burned with passion through my entire soul and I felt more like ‘her’ than ever before. It was tough and we spoke for hours about my thoughts, feelings, depression and need to be the person on the inside, outside.
When all was said and done the most important person in my life had accepted me and even explained that she would be there with me every step of the way. We are both scared of what is to come but with my mum by my side I know I will have the strength to succeed and bloom into this perfect person I always dream about. My mum was very receptive that this was all really, simply about finding happiness within oneself. She noticed as others have that I actually do have a smile to show off!
I told her such minute details, how I would watch other men and attempt to copy them, how that led to a crusty exterior of a false persona made up of spare parts and confusion. The intricate mechanisms I had built to protect the cowardly, tired and repressed woman inside me were all explained. How caring for my brother, her son, for all these years had taken its toll and it was my time now! No more hiding in the shadows, no more shall I be a rainbow in the dark. I am beautiful and want to show the world, I want to explode into my transition and now I can as the hardest hurdle thus far has now been crossed. I am ready and confident, powerful and responsive. Life runs through me not despair or anger.
Another worry I have had with the whole transition was a name. I had my nickname, Dexxy, from the fetish scene but not a real name for the girl! I have pondered and considered for a while, what do I ‘sound’ like? Then it dawned on me that when we are born our parents choose for us and who better to help with finding my name then my mother.
I explained this to her and she was happy to have some input. Again, we trawled through many possibilities before trying a new tactic. My mum said that a name should have a meaning and say something about the person. One name had a meaning that matched how I feel inside, I trust myself and believe in myself for the first time. So, say hello to…