Can I go back to the honeymoon please? (Or Damon please whisk me away)

“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”

Vladimir Ilich Lenin

When this journey started there was the liberation and sense of freedom created by smashing my inner prison. I flew like an eagle and swam like a dolphin. For the first time in my life the air was fresh and I was running on freshly laid tracks, like a steam train on overdrive. Gone was the fog, gone was the overwhelming sense of self destruction and self loathing that consumed every ounce of my being. The dramatic nature of showing the world the ‘true me’ has been far more positive than negative up to this point but I am starting to realise this was possibly a false dawn fuelled by actually feeling ‘happiness’ for the first time. Now reality is really taking hold.

I long to frolic in the fields and let my worries peel away.
I long to frolic in the fields and let my worries peel away.

The stark contrast between depression, anxiety and contentment and joy have created a rollercoaster that is at the top before the big drop. I find it fascinating that transfolk find different things to worry about and recently I have been trying to find some sense in my dysphoria. Reading the wonderful blog by Amy has made me realise my worries, my lows are more physical and possibly social, whereas Amy’s are more internal and emotional (sure she will correct me if I am wrong!)

I am more concerned with hair and seeing hair on my body makes me sad but at least I can shave it all away, my social gripe is how many people seem not to know how to deal with me now. Family and friends have all been wonderful and tell me how brave I am. This is a lovely sentiment but I am not brave! I am taking the only viable path available without doing the tragic, trans, suicide route. I spent years thinking how much easier it would be to leap under the train instead of on to it. My sense of relief for deciding to board trans-express knows no bounds. I am a winner and a fighter.

I love the name of this album. A cracking listen for anyone into early German electronica!
I love the name of this album. A cracking listen for anyone into early German electronica or songs about dummies!

I, like Amy, struggle to let my true feelings show. It is easier to put on a face of nonchalance and act like all is free and easy. I do not want to dwell on this that much because I am celebrating my life now instead of mourning it, but I am scared and alone in a room full of people. They cannot imagine or understand even though I am happy to talk about it. Maybe it is easier to simply smile, look (act) pretty and pretend I am some weird but modern anomaly. I have spent such a long time in the ‘survival’ mode of make believe that I do not genuinely care what people think of me, except my mother that is. I always have such a dismissive attitude and know this is because I was trapped and found it hard to find worth in any endeavours. I wanted the world to burn, where as now I need it to get out of existing (surviving) and into living (being myself).

Some have taken to Faith like a duck to water. Some are lagging behind. Others have buried their heads. I have rationalised that everyone gets up to speed with change in their own time and I can only hope that one day they all catch the train and embrace me as I have embraced myself over the last year or so. I am not selfish, and although this is about me, without family or friends I am nothing. The road is getting steeper and the summits higher, but strength shall take me to the top and I believe in me.

I have found the social side of transition quite enjoyable as I can now express and be myself like never before. I have started to work everything out at work as well now so should be able to be the ‘proper me’ and not some weird androgynous mess that I currently present as. I think most people have worked it out it is just a matter of getting all the hair removed from my face and getting used to the hormones, which as a side note are so close! This does bring its own problems as the man slowly, slowly decays. My skin shredding like a reptile or spider, I feel the burning desire to hibernate for a couple of months. This is the major phase of my transition. Everything is so touch and go at present and the pressure is fully on. I can sense the tightness in my neck and sleep is like some distant memory, like a mirage in the desert. I have so much going on and with having to hold down a full time job my resilience is truly being tested.

Something that may seem small but is actually a massive part of transition is also becoming very real – clothes. I made a post about clothing some time ago which explained my difficulty with sizing, something most transfolk can relate to. This has now become a real dilemma as before, in the discovery, honeymoon period I was buying lots of party dresses and going out clothes. Now, though, I realise I should have been concentrating on the everyday, mundane clothing because I am so thin on the ground with the basics and need to start thinking about making savings so I can spend a little each week on the boring clothing. This is stressful again as my budget is mostly stretched as it is and with paying privately for treatment financial issues are taking their toll.

As liberating as transitioning is the purse strings must become tighter.
As liberating as transitioning is the purse strings must become tighter. Oh! What a pretty top, wonder where it is sold!

It is not all doom and gloom, however, as most readers know I prefer to focus on the positives in a world of pain and suffering for the trans community. I have had a wonderful experience that has really aloud me to embrace womanhood on a level that I always thought would never happen to me throughout my past. An experience that seemed like a distant dream, part of the ‘other people enjoy life’ mantra I carried as my cross. For some it will seem silly, for others it may seem insignificant, but for me it has meant not only my mind and soul, but now my heart can be free. And it starts with a hero of mine, Mr Damon Albarn.

Damon Albarn's has been a crutch I have used a lot throughout my life.
Damon Albarn’s has been a crutch I have used a lot throughout my life. He always dresses like such a scruff!

I have been to watch Damon many times and under many guises, Blur frontman, Gorillaz frontman and as a solo artist. I love watching him perform and his lyrics really speak to me on so many levels, however, every time I have had the pleasure of seeing him live it was as the imprisoned man. I recently saw him at Hyde Park for the third time but this time as Faith! it felt amazing to shout ‘I LOVE YOU, DAMON’ like a giddy teenage groupie where before I had to be manly and say things like ‘Damon, is cool, great performer’. Now I can scream and shout and be myself in an environment that means a lot to me. I feel like I have caught up on life experiences that had been missing for so many years. The bird flies again, and goes higher than I could ever imagine!

I have always been mesmerised by the freedom of birds.
I have always been mesmerised by the freedom of birds.

This road, this journey, all the ups, downs and moments. It is so personal and unrelenting but ask yourself one thing. Go through the tears, pain and stress to blossom as the person you should be or stay where you are and suffer, suffer and continue this suffering for eternity.

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4 comments

  1. Heeey Faith! Been looking forward to reading another of your posts for a while now 🙂

    Gosh, you really have it all on, full time work and paying personally for treatment. I admire you so much because I can think of few times in life when all time is accounted for, it’s like 25 hours a day, 8 days a week sometimes the amount that needs done. When I was working full time up until recently I certainly felt the effects, although being off isn’t much easier. Please just make sure you take opportunities for downtime!

    Don’t be too sad about being in the nitty gritty, you know it yourself, it is a massive test of resolve, the kind of survival situation lots of people wish they could experience to renew their passion for life. It may well feel all green on the other side, but first we have to go through the actual real situation that forces us to dig dig dig deep inside without choice, sometimes desperately, but never hopelessly.

    So many things to balance at once, too much actually, which is why I often feel some things have to be let go, a worry, a purchase, an occasion, whatever needs to be dropped to focus on the main issue here which is keeping our heads on our shoulders! At least life is never boring!

    Also I think you are right what you said about my posts, it’s mostly internal for myself, I’m waaaay to obnoxious to be too bothered about the social side, but at the same time…..get these hairs outta my face, arrrgghhh!

    Hope to hear from you soon petal Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Awww thanks Amy. I really like reading about your journey. Always gives me food for thought, I know you do suffer with the depressing side of all this, please promise you will try to focus on the light at the end, which is relief and happiness, and not all this stress and dysphoria.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I got very lucky with everyday clothes, as so many of my trans-husband’s erstwhile feminine clothes actually turned out to be a good fit… Gods, how I hate my facial hair, though. 😦 Months of lasering ahead before I can present in a truly feminine way, sadly. It will feel so good in the end, though. Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone in my journey. xxx

    Like

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