Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments.
So I hit the one month hormone milestone and am embroiled in the world changes. For the first time in my life I am calm, really calm. Nothing is bothering me, little things that would wind me up, get under my skin or cause stress are simply not there, or here in my head. I am not a new person, I feel the same, I think the same and I act the same but everything is new.
I am fully aware about the old adage of seeing in colour for the first time once you begin HRT and will not bang on about it except to say it is true. Trees and nature, hearing birds sing, watching children have fun and play. It is as if I experiencing these things for the first time. Before I simply watched and took information in like a robot, now I feel, think and act upon the information. A true awakening and wondrous moment has occurred and I revel in its glory.
This has got me thinking about how fickle our existence really is in the grand scheme of things. If some simple medicine, creating more of something already present, can have such profound changes upon ones being then we really are simple creatures. How can it be, that for 30 years of my life I have been unhappy and without purpose, only for the whole thing to be turned upside down in a month taking some medicine. It makes you wonder why all forms of depression or psychological conditions cannot be solved in the same way.
Of course it is not that simple and I know it is just my body making sense to my brain for the first time. But I do think it raises many questions about the human mind when, in the modern age, we can fix a person so easily. It gives hopes to others that there is a way forward, only 18 months I was on the verge of ending it and now I stand tall, I smile and live.
I will not get into the minor physical changes I have started noticing but I would like to explore their effects on myself and my surroundings. A man was starring at me on the train, really pondering, tracking through his thoughts, working out what it all meant. Before him sat a transwoman, he clearly had never seen one before but his mind was transfixed! I gently smiled and carried on looking out of the window. I knew what he was thinking and I liked it a lot. In the not to distant future that man will be thinking something different but the conclusion will be the same without a secret being revealed this time. I look feminine in my appearance now, probably a placebo of starting HRT, but the tipping point has come and the initial effects are telling. A few have told me that HRT would be very, very good for me but I brushed it off as niceties. Now I believe in myself and what is possible with transition. The goalposts are changing and my desires for success are growing.
My confidence was never flinching, even before transitioning, but there is something more authentic about my outwardly visage that has turned my confidence from cold and frosty to warm and engaging. A subtlety that has confused me somewhat in that I used to always make sure everyone was a a distance but now I enjoy bringing people in. Sharing my experiences of the world, allowing others to embrace the happiness and indulge in its warmth. I like this transformation to my confidence and am enjoying exploring and engaging day to day people on levels I had not known. I am not sure where it is heading but know it is a good place that I was not allowed to enter before.
Starting the hormones has also refocused me to get on with the plan. The last couple of months were spent planning the start of taking these little blue wonders and now the event has come and gone I have to get back on trans express and pull away to start my journey again.
When I started this journey my initial plan was to socially transition and start the hormones within a year. I have achieved this and now have to quickly get onto the next phase of the ultimate plan, blend in.
If, in my limited trans experience, there was one piece of advice I could give when starting transitioning, it is this. Always have a plan and goals to achieve. This is the sole reason I have been quite successful, very quickly in my own journey. I set realistic goals and gave myself little tasks to complete with time frames to have them done by.
Starting to transition is very daunting but breaking it into bite size chunks that can be easily managed will see progress quicker. I started with a few smaller bits and pieces before building up to the bigger challenges such as gender specialists and name changes. But this approach stops the overwhelming condition that once set in is very hard to break. I made a list and next to each part of the list added a loose time frame. For example, I wrote down name change on my list and next to it put six months. In reality, by the time the actual thing got sorted it was eight months, but the important thing is that within the six months I had started the process. As humans we see some tasks as long, hard, far too much at times, this is natural and easy to not get started on something. Have the courage make that start, in my example it may be to make that simple call to the witnesses for your name change or do some research into the steps needed. Sometimes all it takes is a step in the right direction before you find yourself rolling down the trans hill to success.
For me now its starting a difficult part of any transition. Find a voice! I am quite lucky, in some respects, that my voice is not super deep, but it is definitely male and only time will tell if I can resolve this. I have started looking into therapists and hope to have something concrete to report soon.
Focus, empowerment and control ruled my life for the last year and it is time to bask in the happiness my discipline has created. Not that I am resting on my laurels, quite the contrary, but taking time out is important once in a while. I have taken this last month to enjoy the new inner me, drunk with oestrogen and swimming in a heavenly pool of shivers from serotonin writhing through my body.