I can live for two months on a good compliment.
So I made it to six months on hormone replacement treatment with few problems. There was the odd scary moment and a few panic inducing times but for the most part I can check this milestone off as successful. Quite a lot has changed for me, physical, emotional and spiritual to some extent. Calmness is my new best friend, I have only raised my voice once in the last six months. Having such peace inside me is liberating and it has rolled over to other aspects of my life.
So, what exactly has changed? There have been some interesting physical changes including breast development and fat moving around my midriff so it is in the correct place. I am slowly seeing a feminine figure appear that brings a smile to my face and allows me to enjoy my reflection for the first time. I always hated looking in the mirror but now I love it. When I get to work the elevators have large mirrors all around and I love getting one last look at myself before entering the office with confidence and my head up, beaming smile. It feels like I am in a movie montage most days as I strut my stuff. People probably think I am ridiculous but as I feel my hips swing and shoes click the floor, I feel like ‘ME’. This notion is critical to my physical transition, being me for the first time in my appearance. I used to look and act like a slob, just mooching around with a slouch and looking tired. Now I beam, people notice, I make them notice me. I walk tall, smile and flutter my eyes. I get compliments, mostly from women but some ‘normal’ guys have said some lovely things of late. One guy at work said I had changed his perception of what transgender meant and I should have my own show instead of Caitlyn Jenner!
My life before transition was like some weird sci-fi novel where my conciousness was outside my body and would watch this bag of bones mope about being depressed sending off negative vibes everywhere. I would watch and struggle to understand how this loser was actually surviving and felt sorry for it. Now though I am very much in the driving seat, I look through my own eyes and have control of this body and this mind, I get to make the decisions and I get to create my own world. This new found control allows expression on levels I could never imagine, not just in the basic sense such as clothes or makeup, but through a sense of being that I only ever thought existed in fairy tales.
I have a new lease of spirituality that is always developing and where before I wanted to see the world burn I now see beauty. I used to watch people go by as I sat drinking coffee and reading. I used to imagine horrible things, how shitty their lives were and bad things they did to each other. That has all cleared and I see couples holding hands, children laughing and playing, friends greeting each other after a long absence. I have these emotions myself, my heart is filled and not empty. I have a place in this world and I want to give back rather then allow misery and suffering to consume me. Having a purpose and a spirit really makes you human, it has taken this long in my life to feel my inner self. A future, a sense of belonging or even just being needed for one minute of each day. These are the things I had never experienced and now I experience them every minute of everyday.
Maybe that is what this transition is all about, not becoming a woman but becoming a human. I try to not think too deeply about it all but as long as the happy buzz continues to ride then I am happy to let the discoveries shred my old skin and allow my colourful wings take me where I need to be headed.