Football is a game about feelings and intelligence
This has been a week of change, not just in the sense of my transition either. I had, before now, just been prescribed HRT medicine that has slowly been increased as time has passed. I am now on 6mg a day after almost eight months. To me this is progress and I am really feeling the benefits both physically and emotionally. However, because my testosterone level had not come down far enough for my doctor I have now been prescribed anti-androgen shot every three months. I was always hoping to avoid this because before I started taking any medicine my oestrogen levels were high and my testosterone levels were low. But transition was not meant to be easy and I had my first shot.
It has been less than a week but I can really feel the difference as my testosterone is fading. I was never a particularly angry or aggressive person but I sense a strange passiveness that has never existed. I really do not want to lose anything about my personality because I have always been exceptionally assertive and head strong. Time will tell on this front but I can also feel some positive touches in my general being. It is too early to be sure but I also think my body hair has started to grow slower which is great, but this could all be in my mind at present.
So my transition has started getting very serious on the medical front and now the hard decisions about my future come to the fore. It is only a matter of time before I have to decide on whether to go for sexual reassignment surgery or not. There are so many pros and cons to this that I get easily confused start to blur the facts with the fiction. I have read some blogs where the poster was sure from the outset that having surgery was key to their transition and they knew, from day one, the ultimate goal. I wish I had thought a little more about it before started hormone treatment but life is not perfect. With social transition and the emotional roller-coaster of being actually happy for the first time I pushed all thoughts about any surgery to the back of my mind. Maybe I don’t ever need to decide? Maybe because I am not thinking hard about it, I don’t want it? I think one of the reasons I cannot concentrate on my thoughts about surgery is that I have limited experience or interaction from other transitioners who have done it. Hopefully in the future will be able to pick someone’s brain about it all and then I can decide with ease.
Another huge moment in my life that occurred this week. Not related to transition but something equally important to my identity. My football club, West Ham, played their last ever match at our old stadium and to say it was emotional does not do it justice. There were a few tears to say the least and considering I had been given my first t-shot about 24 hours earlier my emotions were running high. Thankfully we won the match as losing would have been a nightmare. I found the timing of this event very odd because as my team moves to a new stadium I am also about to move house. Closer to London, which is good for work and friends but also because I am moving in with a friend who was the first person I told I was going to transition. My life should improve in so many ways soon and I really feel like I am getting somewhere towards what could be deemed a ‘normal’ life. Things always evolve and I am starting to learn that life is easier without worry, regret and stalling.
So as I say goodbye to my home town, my football ground and my injection-less life I look back without hesitation and wave to the memories before embracing something bigger, happier and freer.