My life has become clockwork

Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Since rationalising my existence that the journey of transition is not about male or female, man or woman, but getting to a comfortable place where I feel safe and accepted. Gender is secondary to my happiness and as I grow I will discover more about what I am or where I want to be. Satisfying the burning questions have allowed me to move on from a barricade that could have caused dangerous issues so am glad to be comfortable again to continue exploring myself and my life.

20160806_144640My contemplation time tends to be when walking amongst the flower beds of Greenwich park. The serene setting fills me with joy and I simply love getting back to nature and seeing the colourful world we live in. Where I saw grey and dark I now see colour and bright. I have added some pictures of my discoveries to this post.

I have spent the last couple of months speaking with and meeting more experienced trans people. By more experienced I simply mean those who have transitioned many years ago or have become very comfortable and have no need to continue their own personal journey. The diversity amongst the trans community is amazing to behold. Incredibly special and different people, each with their own ideas about what it means to be trans. Some have said they are a woman/man while others feel they are simply trans or something different entirely.

20160806_145021Another fascinating aspect is whether they have gone through any major surgery to try
and get their bodies more in line with their minds vision. There are many reasons to have and not have gender reassignment surgery (GRS), each persons own decision is just as valid as the next persons. It is not for anyone to judge where our journey ends, if it ever does or should. Listening to the intimate stories with attentive wonder I have seen first hand that there is no one true way to do trans. I am on the precipice of having to come to some decisions on my own future but at least now I have others experiences and preference to compare with. It gives me pieces of a complex puzzle that can morph and intertwine without clarity but with fluidity. I do not think the puzzle ever completes, I would not need to transition at all if I was already the complete picture or at least had all the pieces to be complete.

20160718_082527A piece of the puzzle that has smacked me square between the eyes of late is making sure I stick to my medicine routine. I was due my second anti-androgen injection before the start of August but due to having some other commitments put it off a week or so. This was a real rookie mistake as it had some consequences that spilled into my work and social life that I must completely avoid in the future. The anti-androgen injections stop testosterone being produced and is slowly released over a twelve week period. Allowing myself to slip over this time and enduring the sudden rush of testosterone was excruciating and sent me into a wild spin of anger. That old self destruction mode started to rear its ugly head and I was taking it out on all and sundry. I was back in a world I thought I had left behind when I shed my skin. Truly awful and something I wish to never be experiencing in the future.

I understand now that my day to day life has to be clockwork, no missing appointments, no missing injections and no letting off the throttle on improvements. I have never really had a routine to stick to in my life. Except getting to work each morning I used to think that freedom and soaring like an eagle was the best way to live. While I do still believe in this having a routine now does help me focus on what is important. It allows quicker success and a better quality of life in general.

20160718_082541Being content with my new life, comfortable with my surroundings and feeling like ME has led me to my next avenue of exploration. The big bad world of relationships! Now, having never actually had a proper relationship, my frame of reference to what makes one successful and worthwhile is limited at best. What do you settle for? What will you put up with?  What are you willing to make concessions on? I am currently  flapping around against a tidal wave of potential dates without actually getting anywhere. I have decided that I want to try dating men now and spend less time in the relative safety  of cross dressers and other trans women. I am excited to have made it as far as having an avenue to explore and it has been thwart with perils. I have not managed to find someone I feel is suitable for me yet, I am quite lucky to not be particularly ugly or have much excess weight. The choice of date then just comes down to me really. I have plenty of suitors, some you can pick out as time wasters or fantasist pretty quickly, others you need to dig a little. Men do not really engage much in conversation and this is something I am finding very frustrating. They are fine with the basics but being inquisitive I like to form a rounded image of a person before making assumptions about them. I do need to manage my own expectations maybe and just take the plunge! Stop living in a fantasy and be realistic about what the dating world is.

There is the constant buzz in my head that not really knowing where my journey is taking me will  always make it difficult for anyone to join the ride. Nobody buys a ticket to nowhere and I cannot even give a slight explanation on hat my future holds yet. I also over think everything and worry that until I am more settled in myself then another can feel settled to be with me. I know I do want to have relationships, I crave companionship like everyone else. My time will come for sure.

There will never be a perfect ending for someone in my position, I have to accept that fact. Making the best of it is what to aim for with so many round pegs for square holes in my life. At least I have happiness and solace knowing I have lived as my true self, what ever guise that takes and whoever ends up with me!

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