Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.
With two weeks to go until my first birthday as Faith it has got me thinking about all the different aspects to transition. My transition has been mightily successful up to this point and has come to a precipice of sorts. Life has gone from slow and gradual to fast and climbing over the last couple of weeks and this is mostly down to me finally starting dating.
To put this into some sort of context I made a conscience decision two years ago to put my love life on hold while I found myself and built a real life. That is not to say I lived as a nun but for the most part I was not taking on any form of relationship or companionship until I felt ready. I knew the time had come about two months ago when I saw myself in the mirror one morning. It was a slight revelation as my body finally looked like it should and I cheekily smiled and whispered to myself ‘Faith, it is time to get out there.’
So started a search for suitable dates and trawling through websites with chat rooms and message boards. It is important for me to have a plan in all my endeavours, but it quickly came clear that to me the world of serious dating is completely random and full of pitfalls. I was in over my head, I knew what I wanted but was not prepared for the huge amount of time wasters that came my way. I had set the bar high as to what a perfect partner would be because I owe it to myself to find the best. I have worked so hard to turn my life around that settling for someone that was not suitable is simply not on the cards.
My only dating experience in the past has been with me as a man taking woman out. This would always end in disaster and I have been incredibly lonely for almost all my adult life. Now I have decided that I want the reverse role and only want to go on dates with men but I have not completely given up on women partners although it is highly unlikely I would find a lady to my taste now. I have spent hours online chatting and messaging and to say I have been frustrated a few times is an understatement. I can understand why men get cold feet when it comes to taking a transwoman out on a date. There is so much more to think about and it takes some real courage to front the world. The other major stumbling block is the very fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, a fetish for these men. It is not a bad thing, many men have a fetish for blondes or big boobs as examples. It is just having transwoman as their thing is taboo and problematic to many in the general public. I told myself that as long as I can rationalise all these issues and that life is just going to be difficult then I should find some sense of happiness somewhere.
It is certainly not impossible, I know many transwomen who have loving relationships with men. They have come to terms with what their relationships mean to each other and have got over the tough meetings with family and friends. Speaking with these couples has allowed me to see a vision of success for myself and although it will take time I do feel positive about my future. The first aspect I learnt very quickly was to stop looking for perfection as being dismissive of near matches is narrowing down the chances massively. This is the same for anyone on the dating scene and the quicker I open my eyes to men I never thought would be suitable the quicker I can get my dating life underway.
After several close calls and nearly dates I have now finally had my first date as myself. It was a simple evening of visiting pubs and a restaurant but was exactly what I needed. Nothing fussy or difficult to contend with was exactly what I had envisioned and I soon realised that my confidence was again on song. The conversation flowed and experiences shared. Thoughts and feelings on the world were discussed and a great time was had. It felt right not having to be the one making jokes or being humorous, it was natural not to be having to drive the conversation or order the food. I hate to be conventional or stereotypical but I liked being treated as a lady, it was liberating and vindicated my choice to transition. It has made the head scratching confusion of trying to date women a distant memory and I know I want to continue down this path. Even the excitement of getting ready for the date was fun and added to the experience as a whole, it felt natural not awkward and real not fake. I am however taking my time, there is still a lot to explore and I am taking this first step as a success knowing full well that not everything will be like this in the future. Although I have never had a proper relationship with anyone I know enough about the time it takes to build trust and love. I just know this new road to trek down should hopefully see more happiness in my ever growing life.